


I Become Death

by naasad



Category: Batman - All Media Types, Red Hood and the Outlaws (Comics), Red Hood/Arsenal (Comics)
Genre: Angst, Burning, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Feels, Grief, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Miscarriage, More Hurt Than Comfort, Mourning, Self-Harm, Smoking, Trans Male Character, no happy ending, trans Jason
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-31
Updated: 2018-05-31
Packaged: 2019-05-16 10:17:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 409
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14809419
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/naasad/pseuds/naasad
Summary: "It's not your fault," Roy said, patient as always.Jason snorted. "It's not yours. Lian's proof of that."





	I Become Death

**Author's Note:**

> Bad mental health day - well, good mental health day, actually, bad mental health night - so I wrote this to cope. IDK, sometimes you just need hugs and when you can't get that, you make your favorite characters suffer in order to get it for them.

Jason felt numb, flicking the ash from his cigarette into the street below. There was this dead thing - this void - behind his sternum that he was resolutely avoiding.

Dead things....

The stub burned his fingers and for a moment he let it before snuffing it out and reaching for another.

Arms wrapped around him as his lover came close. "Thought you were quitting," Roy yawned.

"Not that it made much difference," Jason spat.

Roy hummed and rested his cheek on his shoulder, letting his hands drift down to his belly.

Jason recoiled as if shot, the dead thing suddenly alive, threatening tears and anger and-

Roy held up his hands and took a half step back.

The two stared at each other for a long while.

Finally, Jason closed his eyes and sat on the fire escape stairs. "I'm sorry," he murmured.

"It's not your fault," Roy said, patient as always.

Jason snorted. "It's not yours. Lian's proof of that."

Roy smirked.

Jason shook his head and looked out over the city below. "I was dead. I have no business being alive right now. Maybe I have no business bringing more life into this world."

Roy leaned back on the railing. "Do you want to believe that?"

Jason gave him a look.

"Then don't." Roy knelt down and took Jason's hands in his, resting the cigarette in the precariously balanced ashtray. "We'll try again."

Jason shook his head and defensively curled up with some difficulty. His belly had yet to return to flatness. "You said that last time. And the time before that and before that and before that and... and I don't think I can handle another."

Roy's face creased in pain and he leaned forward, pressing their foreheads together. "What do you want, Jay?"

Jason wept. "I want my babies. All of them - alive."

Roy held him, let him grieve, let the dead thing in his chest live for as long as it wanted.

His sobs eventually tapered into soft gasps. "How do you do it?" he asked. "How do you do it every single time. And why?"

"Because I love you," Roy said, pressing a kiss to his hair. "And I don't know."

Jason sighed and leaned ever closer. "I don't...."

Roy ran a hand through his hair. "Whatever you need. Even if I'm not it."

Jason snaked his arms around his husband's waist and held on like he was the only thing keeping him alive.


End file.
